Tuesday, January 19, 2016

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL: How I lost my confidence and gained back 20lbs!

I am going to be very HONEST and TRANSPARENT in this post....

My blog...Fit For Life Mom was meant to remind me DAILY that I was getting fit FOR life as in all the DAILY LIFE STRUGGLES & CHALLENGES that come with it...being able to find the STRENGTH both PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY to push through to another day no matter what LIFE throws at you. 

It was NEVER about the number on the scale...which is why I decided to be more open about my journey.....somewhere along the way though I lost my focus, my confidence and discipline.

I have been struggling the last several months with many things, depression, anxiety and sprinkle in some adulting and parenting in there well....I turned into a hot mess before I even knew what hit me.  

Here is the thing, I have been overweight my entire life, I have struggled with my health and being able to keep the weight off long term for many years now.  

This is the longest in 3 years that I have taken to bounce back from a bad weekend, vacation or even Holiday goodies.  

The struggle IS real and I know the daily torment of hating your body, and hating yourself for letting it get to a point where you are not just uncomfortable in your own skin but you also stop loving yourself. 

I ALSO know the SWEET TASTE of VICTORY when you hit Personal Records, Scale and Non Scale Victories....when you look in the mirror and see your hard ass work finally paying off. 

I know for a FACT that we DO  have to power in ourselves to CHANGE our HABITS and CHANGE our LIFE....

But what happens when life decides to blind side you and throw a little more challenges in your way?? Things you CAN NOT CONTROL....

Do you push through or fall back into old habits to cope?

Here is what I did:

Since September...ish....I've put back on nearly 20lbs of the 70lbs I have worked so hard for the last 3 years to loose.  This is so difficult to talk about because I remember how many times I promised myself I would not ever do this to myself again.

I was so pumped to start Cize and was seriously letting my inner Beyonce out back in mid September when two weeks in I injured my elbow, a week later I rolled my ankle and then the following week I hurt my neck so bad it took days before I could even look over my shoulder.

I've had more injuries those 30 days than I have had in the last 3 years combined since I committed to a healthier lifestyle.

It's not that the workouts or Cize itself was hard or difficult to follow. (ahem....I am an ‪#‎Insanity‬grad twice over peeps...lol )

It's because I wasn't PRESENT in the moment.

I wasn't there MENTALLY...and here is WHY:

We have suspected for some time now that our son could have Autism....

About a month before his 3rd birthday (2014) we lost our health insurance and struggled to get a Dr and specialist to not only take our concerns more seriously but to actually get in a regular Dr visit.  I won't go into it but this became more and more complicated and incredibly frustrating at times.  With his 4th birthday soon approaching and still having issues with coverage I reached out the school district to help me get some answers.  This was around August 2015 when our Daughter was getting ready to start Kinder.

FINALLY in September 2015 about a week into my new workouts with Cize (you can read more about it HERE) we started the process in getting our Son assessed through the School District with the PAC TEAM.  There were 4 separate 2 hour play dates/assessments so to speak done within 2 week time frame.  

Amazing things happened in just those meetings alone, I would leave in tears and just baffled that he would show interest in things he cared little about at home because at this point Jr had very little to no interest in playing or really joining others in anything.  

With all the positives we also had some news that was hard to swallow with his development.  Jr's final assessment happened in early October and it was determined that he was in fact on the  ‪#‎AutismSpectrum

Within a week Jr., my youngest, soon to be 4 yr old, NON-VERBAL child started attending Special Ed Classes.  He has also began doing PECS and ABA through the school district as well.  

I can not begin to explain the emotion and the endless questions that began to fill me....it all seemed to then be happening so fast...what first felt like ages to get help and answers was now going too fast for me to really process.

Two kids, two different schools, two different drop off and pick up times and follow that with extra curricular activities with  my oldest...and this overwhelming amount of FEAR of the UNKNOWN for my Autistic Son just threw me completely off track from everything.    

Some days I would be totally productive and then mid afternoon crash and burn with emotions...

Some days I would come home and just cry and engulf myself in hours of researching Autism and treatments and therapies.  I would read and watch countless hours of testimonials of Parents who have or are dealing with Autistic children and just cry inconsolably.  Some tears were out of fear, anger, frustration, unconditional love and hope.... 

A couple days turned into a couple weeks and no matter how much I tried I felt like every day I would make an effort to get back into my routine and my workouts only to go to bed feeling tired, stressed and like a complete failure.

My mind, heart and body wouldn't let me do much of anything....

There were hardly any meals getting cooked so a lot of pizza and drive thru food, and my poor house showed like I hadn't given it any love.

Life was just feeling more and more chaotic and I was slipping....

I could tell My hubby was starting to worry of what I was dealing.   

Friends and family who had not heard from me in a while began to call and message me out of concern.
I was loosing sleep and in constant worry.

I would give myself pep-talks daily saying I can overcome whatever had taken over me and my body but for almost 3 months I failed...DAILY!

How had I handled this before? 

And, how was I not able to handle it now?

I would lay up at night or in the shower and just cry out of frustration!

I prayed...A LOT...then I prayed some more...

I finally had to open up and talk about what was going through my mind a little more to my husband. 

I started sharing my fears about what was happening, how overwhelmed i felt about all that was happening in our family.

I started eating right again and cooking our meals rather than the drive thru or out of a box. I made time to workout no matter how much it truly hurt....lol 

I filled my mind with personal development, whatever I was struggling with at the moment I found a book to help me work through it.

I have battled many things in my life. I have always in the passed turned to food for comfort and I found myself in that #NOSHITSGIVEN attitude again when it came to my health and what I put into my body...I've BEEN here before but I refuse to STAY here any longer. 

I will not let the OLD WAYS of dealing with the STRESS take over my life again.

I committed to a lifestyle for a REASON and that reason was to be here for my family for as long as I possibly could, to attend Birthdays, First Boyfriend and Girlfriend, First Love, First Heartbreak...

To grow old with the most amazing husband and father and partner...I have so much to be Grateful for that neglecting my health now with how far I have come would just be foolish on my part to continue down the path of self destruction not just for me but my beautiful family and my son who needs me NOW more than ever.

So here I am publicly owning the fact that I'm human. I am far from perfect, I stumble, I fall and it may have taken me a little longer this time to find that spark to light my fire again but my WHY and my PURPOSE are LOUD and CLEAR once again. 

Please, don't be afraid to TALK about what you FEEL....
Anxiety, Stress, Depression
It's all real and can take over you before you know it.  

We have to find the strengths to SPEAK about it and not HIDE from it.  

Owning it to be able to work through it. 

 Because this life really is absolutely beautiful and deserves to be lived to the fullest each and every day <3